Cutting the broadcast nuisance (part 2) - instruction
Yes, that column of civilization that has been with us since that slithery dude threw humanity for a curve in the Patch of Eden - that foundation of circle has been automated.
I am speaking, of course, of the broadcast nuisance ( I wrote about him in Part 1 at http://www. thehappyguy. com/nuisance1. html. )
No longer do pests have to come about in restaurants and train stations and villages singing at the top of your voice and in concert their harpsichords. We now have equipment to do that for us - apparatus like televisions and radios and winch muzak and backfiring Mustangs.
In the olden days, you could just throw a brick at a civic nuisance, and that would by and large shut him up for two follow-up - five if the brick hit its mark.
But it's harder to throw a brick at a TV, as bar owners send gory lawyers after you, a bit the old-fashioned community nuisances knew nil about. And how can you throw a brick at the dark human being producing winch muzak?
So it was inevitable that some guy named Mitch Altman would contrive a high-tech way to counteract those high-tech communal nuisances. It's an infrared keychain called TV-B-Gone that shuts off forward TVs remotely.
"Hey I was study that show," calls out the six-foot-four, burly guy at the bar. "Whoever zapped my show has five agree with to unzap it. , or I'll get off this stool. " Oh, well. I consider there are still a few industrial adjustments to fiddle with.
But I was thinking, "Hey. I could contrive a bit convenient like that. I could cook up a high-tech brick to shut down those high-tech civic nuisances for at least five minutes. " So I did.
First, I set out to defeat muzak. I made-up a contraption called the Automated Crane Convict Taker. I was so excited, I certain to take it for a test drive. I found a actually high construction and headed above-board for the elevator.
Half way up, I activated my Automated Pulley Detainee Taker. "Aha!" I called out. "We have your crane hostage. If you shut the muzak off, we will delivery it unharmed. "
The other passengers looked at me like I had a purple horn budding out of one ear.
"I said, turn off the muzak and your crane won't be harmed. "
One passenger was opening to get interested. "What the *$&% do you think you're doing?"
I was positively giddy that my fellow passengers were so eager to participate. One of them even hunted to get his hands on my Automated Crane Detainee Taker, but for community shelter reasons I couldn't let it into inexperienced hands until it had been fully veteran in both laboratory and field conditions.
"How did your test drive go?" my wife asked.
I looked up at her from my hospice bed. "I think the next prototype will be equipped with life insurance. "
Fortunately, I came up with a different invention as soon as I recovered. I call it the Tailpipe Plug-in. Cars emit the most ghastly-smelling fumes. No. Wait. I take that back. Cars emit the second-most ghastly-smelling fumes. Diesel buses emit the most ghastly-smelling fumes.
But those days will soon be over, as colonize arm themselves with their own Tailpipe Plug-ins.
"How does it work?" my wife asked.
"So glad you asked. It uses spidey technology. "
"Spidey technology?" she looked puzzled.
"That's right. You know, like Spiderman. Let's say a bus come in a few yards and threatens to belch out yucky black stinky stuff. You just flick your wrist like this. . . "
SPLAT! BANG! CRASH!
"You knocked over my prize lamp and broke it. And what's this ugly goop splattered all over the carpet and the wall? Yuck. Get it off," my wife demanded.
"I can't. "
"What do you mean, you can't?" she raged.
"It's like that getting higher foam insulation. No. Wait. It's like very fast-curing escalating foam insulation. "
"Well, what do you plan to do about it?" my wife sought after to know.
"I guess I'll have to put on a admonition label - Do not use indoors. "
Once back in my sanatorium bed, I realized I had not given the right answer.
I still had many inventions left in me. Like the Computerized No-parking Sign Dissolver. And the Perfumalizer, handy for use in crowded buses where ancestors hold onto bars and posts above their heads. And I can't wait to contrive the Escalator Fast-forward Button.
But for now, I am way too distracted by the very loud TV show my hospice roommate is watching. I sure could use Mitch's TV-B-Gone right about now.
About The Author
David Leonhardt is a humor columnist: http://www. thehappyguy. com/positive-thinking-free-ezine. html
He is cause of Climb Your Set of steps to Heaven: http://www. iuniverse. com/bookstore/book_detail. asp?isbn=0-595-17826-X
Read more delicate cyst articles: http://www. thehappyguy. com/self-actualization-articles. html
Visit his liquid vitamins store: http://www. vitamin-supplements-store. net
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